UFC 110 Horrendously Overdue Token Opinion Piece

110’s in the books, and it was a blast. Great fights all around, not a single person left disappointed in my group, save for a few old-school Minotauro nuthuggers and a Cro Cop hater. BJJ marks got a fast-paced (albeit one-sided) ground war between bad nickname victims Joe “Daddy” Stevenson and George “Snuffalupagus” Sotiropolous, Ultimate Kickboxing fans got a vintage display of stupid overhand punches from Wanderlei Silva, and a pair of nasty knockouts (two and a half, if you count Wanderlei’s last second homicide attempt) punctuated the evening.

Michael Bisping getting punched in the face will never stop being entertaining. Ever. Let anybody listen to Bisping talk for three minutes. Then let them watch any of his losses. I don’t care what language they speak, I don’t care where they’re from, their eyes will light up like an 8-year-old getting an Optimus Prime toy for his birthday. The only reason he doesn’t get booed in England is nationalist pride. Give him a fight against Semtex or Hardy, and watch the crowd turn against him in seconds. I guarantee it.

Minotauro would take it straight up the pooper from BROCKLESNAR. Brock is a bigger, faster, stronger Cain. If Cain knocks him out that easily, Brock knocks him into another time zone. Thought Herring’s ass-over-elbows roll from Lesnar’s punch was bad? Wait until you see Nogueira folded over the cage wall like a wet towel. Speaking of which…

Oh shit, Cain Velasquez learned how to punch. A lot of top heavyweights probably just saw that fight and were left screaming FUUUUUUUUUUUCK, because suddenly Senor Pillowfist has realized that the Unified Rules are not for tae kwon do points sparring. Jokes aside, his technique has always seemed clean but to lack any snap to it, and watching him unload on Big Nog, I can’t help but be a touch concerned for whoever Cain fights next.

George Sotiropolous needs to adopt one of his internet-given nicknames. Can you imagine Bruce Buffer, swinging his arm around like a psychotic Kung Fu master with Parkinson’s, screaming, “GEORGE… GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-SPOT… SOOOOOOTIIIIIIROPOLOUS!” as he furiously climaxes from the awesome of his absurd introductions, ruining yet another brand-new suit with a Barrage of Buffer Baby Bullets? I certainly can. I’m kinda turned on by it.

“Looking for a kimura!”

No. Neither fighter was. Nobody in that fucking time zone was, you incompetent shit. Looking for a kimura involves attempting to grab an arm or a wrist. Nobody did any such thing. My friend’s ten-year old nephew knows enough to be baffled by this. My mom would have been baffled by this. You could practically hear Joe desperately trying not to scream, “What the fucking NO.”

Expect some of the following to be gone from the UFC following their losses. Australian fighters who were sent to be murdered by superior fighters for the crowd’s amusement are obviously not included.

Keith Jardine: Gotta go. No ground game. No knockout threat. Being the Techno Viking can only get you so far in life, and his fifteen minutes is up. I give him one more fight, max.

Brian Foster: Got subbed by a premiere Ultimate Kickboxer. Get the fuck out. That’s like being knocked out by Cain Velas- oh. Right.

Stephan Bonnar: This fight wasn’t the problem. I’ll just remind you that last year, he LOST TO MARK COLEMAN. WHY IS HE HERE. GET. OUT.

That’s all I’ve got right now. I’m gonna try and drop at least one thing a week on here, if you’ve got advice, criticism, love, hatred, or want to sell me products that will help ATTACK HER HAM POCKET, feel free to email me.