Disclaimer: The following statements are paid advertisements by the mind of Tyler Clemmons and in no way reflect the opinions of Sack Mike Goldberg, Mike Fagan, any of the corresponding subsidiaries, or Mark Coleman. All he did was take a picture with me.
I have nothing constructive to say about UFC 112 that anyone who visits any MMA website hasn’t already seen. Anderson Silva can be frustrating but if he is not directly threatened in the cage, you really cannot stop him from doing whatever he wants. I tried to convince myself that BJ Penn was simply in one of his crazy-man trances as he walked to the Octagon instead of already being completely out of it. The undercard was fantastic and Matt Hughes finally got a win standing up (not counting the Rear Naked Joke incident).
In the past few weeks, we have seen several fighters who typically sit at or near the top of MMA pound-for-pound rankings receive criticism for their performances. Georges St Pierre dominated in his victory at last month’s UFC 111, but did so in an arguably lackluster fashion. Penn and Silva did nothing to help their cause on Saturday.
That’s why I have proposed we completely scrap any pound-for-pound rankings, and start completely over. The following is my attempt at the next generation of meaningless lists. I have disqualified anyone and anything from Japan because (1) this is a highly scientific and mathematical process, and you are a better man than I if you can formulate the Japanese, and (2) if I didn’t, then obviously every spot would be taken by Minowaman.
Without further ado, let’s get this underway.
10. The UFC’s multimedia crew
Last week’s #10: Minowaman
Photo courtesy of UFC.com and their tricky conspiracy theorists
The creative geniuses that work behind the scenes for the Ultimate Fighting Championship slip into the Top 10 after a stellar performance following UFC 112. If you look at the picture they conjured on the left here, you might be led to think that the impossible happened with Frankie Edgar winning the UFC lightweight crown, instead of ignoring the truth that BJ Penn won at least three rounds (but no more than four).
The skills with Photoshop displayed in this exhibition of computer greatness exceed anything I think I have ever seen from someone. I mean, if I did not know any better, if I had not seen the fight and knew in my heart of hearts that Penn had won to the point where I went to the restroom during the announcement of the judges’ decision, I would actually kind of believe it. Oh wait; what? Really?
REALLY!?!?
9. The elbow of Jon Jones
Last week’s #9: The elbow of Kenny Florian
I don’t know if one singular body part (on a male, at least — mind you) has ever brought more joy than the fast-rising, soon-to-be-superstar’s arm joints. With his spinning back elbow on Stephan Bonnar, his assault on Matt Hamill that defines “totally illegal but completely awesome” better than anything since Grand Theft Auto, and his inhumanely righteous completion of Brandon Vera, Jon “Bones” Jones has effectively used his elbows to dispatch of three guys we are all really ready to not think about anymore.
8. Jose Aldo
Last week’s #8: Minowaman
He may not yet have the impressive longevity on his resume that other top fighters possess, but there is no denying that since he set foot in the WEC, Jose Aldo has been as electrifying and dominant of an individual as there is in the sport. I just want you to take a look at this snippet from his fight record on Wikipedia:
DOUBLE FLYING KNEES?
Granted, this was just against Cub Swanson, and he still has a chance to ruin all his awesomeness in two weeks when he faces Urijah Faber on the WEC’s first ever pay-per-view event, but until then Aldo safely holds a place on the list.
* * * * *
7. Raiden from the Mortal Kombat series
Last week’s #7: Chael Sonnen’s mouth
Correct me if I am wrong, but did we not see something similar to this stance from Anderson Silva in his fight this past Saturday against Demian Maia? I gotta say, in true Joe Rogan-about-Wanderlei Silva fashion, “Raiden is back!”
And when you take into account that anyone who has ever played Mortal Kombat knows that Raiden has a devastating ability to close the distance and work you over in the clinch, we are definitely looking at a top-10 pound-for-pound fighter.
6. Phil Mickelson
Last week’s #6: Broken noses at the UFC on Versus card
As someone who enjoys golf and is in his fledgling days in attempting to acquire its skills, I admire anyone who can play that sport professionally. As a left-handed individual, I have a soft spot in my heart for southpaws of any kind in any sport (except for basketball, then it’s just awkward to watch). So as the top left-handed golfer who is not from Canada (sorry, Mike Weir), Mickelson gets my nod after a huge weekend.
5. My Strikeforce: Nashville ticket
Last week’s #5: Minowaman
I hope this does not come across as boastful or arrogant, as I am simply excited. I tend to think most of you would be as well, and I hope to make the best use of this ticket in a manner that will benefit any readers of SMG.
For security reasons that I hope I do not have to go into, I will not post an actual picture of said ticket. But anytime that you get a ticket worth $147.50 (not including Ticketmaster’s fees) at no direct cost to you because of your job, you have to be ecstatic. With three title fights that evening and a preliminary battle showcasing personal favorite Jason ‘Mayhem’ Miller, a free pass to Strikeforce: Nashville easily breaks into the top ten.
4. Jose Aldo
Last week’s #4: Fedor Emelianenko
I swear, he really is impressive enough to make it onto the revamped pound-for-pound list twice. Faber and his butt-chin will try to do something about it on the 24th, but until then I stand by my choice. No arguments, please.
3. Anderson Silva
Last week’s #3: BJ Penn
Allow me to explain my case. Let’s face it, for the first few rounds of his fight with Maia, most people were either amused or outright awestruck by what Silva was able to accomplish in an actual fight. As time wore on, Silva became less entertaining and more annoying, and at the end of the fight it was clear he had won.
One of the more infamous contests in UFC history was Nate Quarry’s victory over Kalib Starnes at UFC 83. The day after UFC 112, a friend of mine pointed out to me that Silva was able to effectively channel the spirits of both Quarry and Starnes in one contest. While he slides a couple of spots, that accomplishment (not to mention he is still the best fighter in the world) is enough to keep him highly ranked.
2. Cecil Peoples
Last week’s #2: Georges St Pierre
No matter how one personally performs, nothing makes them look better than their contemporaries totally screwing up. Cecil Peoples has long been maligned and is notorious for scoring a fight in ways that many fans have trouble comprehending. Plus, as you can see on the left, when he is not judging fights, he is hilariously bumbling as a referee.
But the heat is off of Peoples right now as fellow MMA judge Douglas Crosby (who undoubtedly is related to kitten-choking hockey player Sidney Crosby) is on the receiving end of criticism of his five-round sweep score for Frankie Edgar this past weekend over BJ Penn. And his attempts to explain himself really are not helping anyone but Peoples, who basks outside the critical spotlight.
1. Chael Sonnen’s mouth
Last week’s #1: (tie) Anderson Silva, Minowaman
I never said Sonnen the fighter was number one.
I have previously made it clear that I love Chael Sonnen. He is definitely in the top ten of people I love right now, somewhere between Anne Hathaway and Edge.
Sonnen’s ability to speak inflammatory words in recent months has made his mouth a mainstay in the rankings, but as I totally revamp them — and take into account the happenings of this past week — it becomes clear to me that it belongs at the top for now.
And if he keeps firing out magically delicious interviews like this one, not much will change.
One Comment
Tyler, you are awesome. That is all.