Need a reason to drink?  No?  Well, you want to convince some bar skanks to get drunk enough to go home with you?  Yeah?  All right, then.  Find a bar playing UFC 102, find some beer loving heffers, and give them this list.  Hell, you can even start making up shit on your own after the first fight or two.

Take a drink…

…if Leben’s positive steroid test is mentioned.
…if Randy is described as “mauling” Nogueira.
…every time Couture’s described as a 5 time champion.
…every time Nogueira’s Pride/UFC title accomplishment is mentioned.
…if Joe says, “That’s a wrap!”
…if Maia’s BJJ is described as “being on another level.”
…every time Marquardt’s piledriver is shown.
…every utterance of “awkward” and “unorthodox.”
…every utterance of “impose his/your will.”

Finish your drink…

…if Joe calls Randy his hero.
…if Randy submits Nogueira.
…if Nogueira knocks out Randy.
…if Fedor gets his named dropped.

Not much of a surprise to see a local reporter churn out the usual UFC-hate piece with the company entering a new market this Saturday.  Dan Canzano of the Oregonian penned the latest beauty.  It’s your standard affair, though Canzano offers this little anecdote that tickles my fancy:

My early experiences with mixed martial arts weren’t good ones. Admittedly, it tainted me. I came to this sport early, and remember sitting ringside at a Native American casino in California years ago, watching a mob of fans cry for blood. And there was lots of it on the canvas.

During that event, more than a decade ago, one of the fighters competing on the undercard canceled. And so the ring announcer grabbed a microphone and asked if there was anyone in the house that wanted to fight.

A guy stepped forward, and proceeded to get his face battered, and eventually, he vomited in the center of the octagon. I interviewed him after the bout and he apologized and blamed his 0-1 career start on bad luck.

Well, Dan, I’m sure glad your entire view of the sport is shaped by one instance in a rinky dink promotion in some backwards California Indian casino.  Because that really highlights how Dana White, the UFC, and the rest of legitimate MMA organizations are run.

I mean, fuck.  Would you introduce someone to basketball by going down to your local inner-city playground?  Would you bring teach someone the intricacies of professional football by digging out tapes of the XFL?

It’s amazing that sports journalists get where they are when the majority of them lack the ability to utilize logic and critical reasoning.  Absolutely mindblowing.