Heavenly Father, please don't send me to hell for this.
So I know that You and I don’t talk enough, and I swear too much, and there was that thing with that girl last summer too, so if You’re pissed at me, I’m really sorry and I totally understand. But if you’re feeling a bit light on the wrathful God deal, pleeeeeeeeease please please don’t let Brandon Vera win tonight, okay?
I know that I don’t really NEED prayer on this one. I mean, come on, it’s Brandon Vera. This dude couldn’t get out of his own talent’s way if there was a belt at the end of it, and I shouldn’t worry. But I bet my car, my dog, my comics, $86, and my anal virginity on Jon Jones, and if Vera suddenly remembered how not to suck, I’m kinda fucked, God. Literally. I mean, isn’t the whole pooper thing a sin too? So how’s it gonna be? Are You really gonna FORCE me to sin? So yeah. Let nature take its course, and let Vera get a late abortion from Jones. I mean, I understand that You’re probably not too cool with Jonny beating the deaf out of Matt Hammil, but… Vera’s a dick. Tell me that’s not a sin. It fucking should be.
Oh, and if it’s not too much effort, please let Clay Guida learn to punch, have Fedor cut to middleweight and fight Anderon and GSP, let Alessio Sakara and James Irvin not kill each other too hard, and please hook me up with a real job, a slightly less shitty car, and how’s about a really hot girlfriend too, okay? Thanks God. You rock. Well, I dunno. Do You rock? Maybe You Gospel or something. Fuck, this is hard.
Oh, yeah, I forgot. Amen.
PREDICTIONS
Jones over Vera by TKO. (Final Atomic Buster)
Gonzaga over Dos Santos by submission. (Creeping him the shit out with that “I raped your daughter, she’s a screamer” grin he has. God, that smile could give people nightmares.)
Kongo over Buentello by decison. (Daft Punk walkout music)
Irvin/Sakara winner over Irvin/Sakara loser by KO. (amputated jaw)
Irvin/Sakara loser’s jaw over douchebag in third row wearing Affliction t-shirt by KO (good taste)
