Despite recent events, Sack Mike Goldberg is proud to continue its series of observations from one of today’s most exciting young heavyweights, Todd “Pink Hulk” Duffee. Please keep checking back for more exciting, relevant, punctual, and professional commentary from us here at SMG.

DUFFEE AM GONNA STRANGLE A BITCH. BALD-MAN SAY DUFFEE AM BIG THING. DUFFEE KNOW THIS, DUFFEE SEE SCALE. BUT DUFFEE KNEE NOT ALWAYS TAKE DUFFEE STRENGTH. BALD-MAN FIRE DUFFEE. THIS SHIT AM UNRIGHT. MAYBE DUFFEE HAVE PROBLEM WITH ENDORSEMENT DEAL?BUT DUFFEEMAN… ER… DUFFEE NOT UNDERSTAND. DUFFEE NEVER BRING INTO ULTIMATE SMASH CHAMPIONS ENDORSEMENT DEAL. DUFFEE DO THIS SHIT ON OFFTIME. STUPID BALD-MAN. BALD-MAN SCARE THAT DUFFEE SMASH BALD-MAN, WEED-MAN, EYEBROW-MAN, AND OVEREXCITESCREAM-MAN. DUFFEE SHOW THEM. DUFFEE GO TO GODZILLALAND AND SMASH PROWRESTLE-MAN AND MULLET-MAN. DUFFEE STILL AM STRONGEST THERE AM!

(h/t to scritchandscratch)

The target audience of this column.

(Thanks to Tyler and Mike)

Hey! You! Yeah, you, in the Dethrone manthong! Do you like to drink? OF COURSE YOU DO. THAT’S WHY YOU’RE WEARING THAT. But maybe your girlfriend, in between practicing her duckface and touching up her healthy orange glow, has been saying that you drink too much. PUNCH HER IN THE FACE. YOU’RE A MAN. But maybe your bros have been saying the same thing. What do you do then? You can’t punch them, that’s a blatant violation of Bro Code! No, my friend, what you need is AN EXCUSE. A game, mayhaps! Nobody criticizes your bros for drinking too much when they play beer pong. So, to continue our long-forgotten series, here is the UFC 118 Drinking Game Addendum. Original rules, as always, still apply and can be found here. Onwards, my brethren, to liver failure!

Take a drink if:

• Randy Couture’s takedown attempts are stuffed. At any time. For any reason.
• Mike Goldberg actually buys into James Toney’s “Death Fighter” stories. At any time. For any reason.
• Goldberg or Joe Rogan make reference to Toney’s boxing record.
• Goldberg or Rogan mention Randy Couture’s Army boxing background.
• Goldberg or Rogan talk about “a professional boxer in four ounce gloves.”
• Demian Maia is booed during his walkout.
• Maia responds by trying to kickbox his way into the fans’ hearts.
• Nate Diaz displays his astounding THC-enhanced strategic thinking by trying to outbox Marcus Davis.
• Davis displays his astounding repetitive head trauma-enhanced strategic thinking by trying to grapple with Diaz.
• “Kenny Florian finishes fights,” or any related nonsense.
• Dana White backs down on his promises of a title shot to the winner of Florian’s fight with Gray Maynard if the fight ends in a decision.
• Rogan mentions “just a kid from Stockton/Jersey” regarding Diaz or Frankie Edgar, respectively.
• You hear the phrase “classic striker vs. grappler matchup” in the lead-up to any of the fights.
• The camera cuts to a Boston sports or entertainment figure in between rounds or fights.
  

Take a huge drink if:

• Toney wins by submission.
• Toney successfully demonstrates his legendary “side check kick.”
• Nate Diaz smiles. At any time. For any reason.
• Couture attempts to outbox Toney. If this happens, it’s gonna be a looooong night…
• Some inbred chucklefuck in the crowd is shown wearing this shirt.

Finish your drink, break the bottle open, and stab yourself in the dick if:

• You are the inbred chucklefuck wearing that shirt.

Waking up thinking that somehow Roddy Piper had a hand in Fedor’s loss, or that maybe Werdum had a magic pair of sunglasses — it don’t make the world work.

Found on the sidebar of my Facebook page.

Brock Lesnar wins by default yet again.

DUFFEE SMASH PUNY DREADLOCK MAN

Sack Mike Goldberg is proud to begin a new series of post-fight observations from one of today’s most exciting young heavyweights, Todd “Pink Hulk” Duffee. Please keep checking back for more exciting, relevant, punctual, and professional commentary from us here at SMG.

Duffee no am want write column today. Duffee still upset over Whale-man smash Duffee before Duffee smash Whale-man. Duffee not sure where fight go wrong. Duffee smash. Duffee turn pink. Duffee smash more. Then Whale-man flail in ow from smash and flipper hit owie headspot, and Duffee feel tired. Duffee scared now. Duffee smash Whale-man so hard Duffee smash self. Not even Duffee headspot am strong enough for take Duffee smash. Duffee am screw.

Kid-man say Duffee am try too hard for smash, and Duffee must make Whale-man weak before Duffee smash. Whale-man no am Duffee, so Whale-man weak. It simple. Is Duffee or weak. Kid-man no understand what like to be Duffee. Duffee no need to mix up Whale-man, why mix when smash? Duffee confuse.

No am worry. Duffee smash next time. Duffee smash after that. Duffee smash Swordpeepeeman, and Stalker-man, and Science-man, and then DUFFEE SMASHEST ONE THERE IS. GRARGH!

TYLEEEEEEEEEER

PleasepleasepleasepleasePLEASE tell me you used your superbadass press ninja shit to get some really awesome shot of Mayhem getting punted by the Cesar Gracie Douche Team or something. Come on, man, you gotta have SOMETHING good, right? Right?

Click here to view the embedded video.

Dana? Coker? Japan dudes? This dude. Dance-off with Akihiro Gono. Make it happen. I don’t care if he’s retired. MAKE IT HAPPEN.

I hate somewhere in the neighborhood of 90% of sports commentary.  I hate hearing about David Eckstein’s "grittiness."  I hate hearing that Brett Favre "is just having fun out there."  I hate hearing about how the old timers played for the love of the game, how you could rely on the players being "pure".

It’s all a bunch of ignorant, romanticized bullshit.

I understand that commentating is not an easy gig.  A commentator needs to be articulate, able to think quickly, and possess a reasonably deep knowledge of the sport you cover.  Still the ultimate goal is very simple:

Commentary, at its core, should provide a narrative to the story of the contest being played out in front of you.

It doesn’t need to be loud and in your face, nor does it need to be a constant string of hyperbole to prop up a poor event.  A commentator’s words, his pitch, the inflection of his voice should match the rhythm of what takes place in front of him (or her).  All of which Goldie fails at.

The reason I chose Sack Mike Goldberg are twofold.  First, someone already registered FireMikeGoldberg.com and I was not about to spend any money prying it away.  (I think SackMikeGoldberg.com has a fine ring to it in anyway.)  Second, Mike represents the largest MMA organization in the world, an organization which should employ upper echelon talent in all facets of operation.

Mike certainly isn’t the worst commentator in all of MMA, and I’m not even sure he’s the worst of all the major play-by-play guys (I think Kenny Rice takes that award).  It’s the constant exposure of two to three shows a month combined with his almost total ineptness with regards to MMA as a sport that makes him de facto public enemy numero uno. (See how many languages I used there?)

Tomorrow I’ll complete dissect Mike’s commentating game and Thursday will go over all the other aspects of MMA coverage that we like to bag on.  I’m not sure what I’m planning for Friday.  Maybe a post on the future of advanced statistical analysis in MMA?  Thoughts?

Updated the contacts page to add my Twitter and Facebook accounts.  Our communication is so communicative.

So yeah, I thought adding avatars came as a standard feature on blogs.  I guess it’s not.  And now I feel like an old man who gets excited about his new Hotmail account.  Whatever.  Get your avatars!  Maybe everyone can find a different picture of Jon Anik to use?

Looking forward to the fights tonight.  I posted an addendum to the Official SMG Drinking Game over at Bloody Elbow.  Have fun trying to get your head out of the toilet bowl tonight.